i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
