I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
