I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm sobbing to NWA
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
