Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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