I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
