I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
