My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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