Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
