True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
