she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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