you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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