I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize