honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
His hands were made for my vagina.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
