i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
