Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
