I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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