And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
