if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
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we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.