is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.