Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
