sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
