1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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