He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
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81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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