Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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