She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
