All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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