Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
