her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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