her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
