You're a womanizer and a bitch.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
