Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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