Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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