You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
