Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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