That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
