Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
