maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
