period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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