I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
