My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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