Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
