I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
