My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
