I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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