Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
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We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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