if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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