Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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