At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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