plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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