These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
