Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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