shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
