Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
