genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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