elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
