im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
