is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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